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still, you have no right to be mad at me. you broke my heart.

i'm as choppy as an uncalmed sea.
it's as though this week hadn't been bad enough for me. i get crap. yeah, i know i'm supposedly to be responsible but i can't help it thinking of being hated upon.

it isn't all my problems. you, being specifically chosen to do that major task, are supposed to be stern and not friends to drag friends along. ya, friends can drag friends along, but you're of higher rank and given every right to scold and push them. but for fuck, you came to me, pissed, give me your fuck face when i did nothing wrong, and gave me the reason that my friends won't listen to you and i didn't tell them to come. for crying out loud, you are the fucking highest status. everyone ought to look up to you, but i guess that has proved to be wrong because you are not doing your job properly. you push everything to me, when all that's supposed to be done by you. ya, blame it on the friendship status, but as a friends there's only that much i can do to push them. they wouldn't listen to me as a ranked official, what else can i do. you are supposed to come into play.
imagine if i told your friends to stop playing basketball but they won't listen to me and i came to you to vent my anger, get pissed and give you the fuck face. wouldn't that definitely get you on the rage. fuck that.

as if that wasn't bad enough, today's worst. again, friends. it's not that i didn't want to. i wanted to, i want to come for each and everytime i have but my friends just seem to have a different mind. they would purposely delay time and disallow me to go earlier than them. they want to stick together. if i ever went without them, they'd be all critisim and gossiping and hating on me. do you know how that feels. have you ever been in that situation. i naturally fear rejection. that's just how i am. that is why i am doing my best to not get rejected. or maybe not so much. for fuck. this is bad.

i defend my friends, i get crap from another party. when i defend that party, my friends give me crap. remember the saying life is never fair; this is a perfect example. i give up pleasing both sides. i give up being a perfect example. i give up making you happy. i give up making myself feel good. i give up doing what others tell me to do. i want me to be happy. not all you other humans. what's the use when all i get is more rubbish and not even a single appreciation. all you know is to declare that you've done more than i do when the actual fact is that you've done nothing compared to my efforts.

i'm sorry for not coming. i feel guilty. i know i'm wrong. i'm so sorry. extremely, very sorry. from the bottom of my heart. i don't know what can compensate for this. i'm sorry.

bad things aside, today's the Sports Carnival and also the last day of school. handball was amazing. tiring though. wonder how the class did in the other sports. and this year's class tee is as blue as my butt. most of the sec four and five class have blue tees also. year of the blues.

so that's how my last day of the term ended. and i'm getting ready for term break with a packed schedule. i dread school.

and i'm beginning to wonder if everything and everyone is getting unreasonable. still, i'm sorry.

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