all in the life, me

Alhamdullilah. I praise Allah for his always forgiving and always loving hands.

It is actually quite saddening to know that you're not good enough in something. It's very bothersome. It just gets into your mind and eat you up. Well at least for me, it works that way. But i guess i have to accept reality that in other's eyes, i'm just of no standard in this sport they play. Watching this match right now makes me reflect how i'm just no good. I'm just sad that my place in the first team is freed up. It seems promising at first but since the last friendly match, i know my position can be replaced. All i ask is to be in the first team and play with my year two friends. Not some bunch of year one freshies.

I'm a fucking emotional wreck right now. I don't know how to feel and even what to feel. It's like life just decided to anal me hard right in the ass. I don't know how to pull this through.

There are  things i've said that i really don't mean and words that sounded harsh but it wasn't meant to be that way. You should know i'm that type of harsh and mean person. I guess you still haven't known me well enough to know all these. Indeed, it isn't my true blue personality. You should know i love you too much to hurt you.

Things i should have never said and done. Still haunts me no matter what.

No hugs today. I sent her home with no goodbye hugs. It was meant to be a norm. I don't know what her reason was but it didn't really matter. Although through that, i am starting to suspect something amiss. The topic of the incident (previous post) was brought up again in BK while we were having late dinner. Things she said that i realised: 1) it was my fault to have kept things from her 2) it was my fault that things are worse off now than before 3) it's as though she wants me out I don't know what to infer. I mean as best as i could, i would do everything right and treat her right. But of course, i'm only human that makes mistakes like texting a girl behind her back and still keeps her secrets (what a douche!). I'm sad. I'm utterly disappointed in myself that i wasn't telling her every single thing there could be said. Oh i was damn wrong on that. In recent times, she keeps mentioning names of people who're far better looking than me in schoo...

Today, i receieved a reply with no emoji. Though it's not really a first time, i perfectly understood why she did that. I will never forget yesterday night. For the first time in four months, i made her really angry. Yes, she was jealous. She was jealous because i'm close not only to her but to another of our friend. She's only human and she has every right to be jealous. To be honest, i didn't see this coming. I always thought she'd be jealous about Abigail. But i guess this is more extreme. The moment she told me about this, my heart raced. I have never felt more guilty and so depressed in my entire life. My mind went into a trance and basically ready for the worst. I was only and very afraid of her. I was afraid of losing her at that point in time. She never made me feel so scared before. I understand how she feels. I've been there. But i really have no idea how to make this right. The only proper way i can think of is to talk to that friend and get things st...